Preamble: There are constantly articles and images being posted to facebook about women’s body image (and maybe men’s, but who cares?) and how they’re “shamed” inadvertently (here’s one: 10 WAYS WE BODY SHAME WITHOUT REALIZING IT) or treated incorrectly. It’s not really in our wheelhouse (comedy), but we’re passionate about people and making the world better, so we wanted to respond with effective ways to actively shame people correctly!
10 Ways to Correctly and Effectively Shame People!
“The secret of how to live without resentment or embarrassment in a world in which I was different from everyone else was to be indifferent to that difference.” – Al Capp
1. Say Things Like, “You’re Nothing More Than a Product of your Cultural Environment…”
Have you ever heard someone utter an almost insane phrase like, “But she has such a gorgeous face, if only she didn’t have all those piercings and tattoos” or “She has such a gorgeous face, but it’d be prettier with piercings and tattoos” or “She has such a lovely pair of breasts, but I like a girl with a bigger butt” or “She has a great body, but I like someone with a darker complexion and/or less acne”?! All of these opinions and preferences are just reactions to cultural stereotypes in the media! You can (and should) tell (by yelling and screaming in their face) whomever is saying such things that nothing they think about another person, or the aesthetics of anything or anyone they see, is their own idea, tastes or opinions. They’re pawns who should, and will in the future, find everything and everyone beautiful because people come in all shapes and sizes, but it’s a fool errand to NOTICE that and like certain shapes vs others. And, even if they do, PLEASE do not share that, even with, what you think is, a positive comment. If you like someone’s tattoos or clear skin, making that comment will only hurt those with no tattoos or acne.
2. Judge People Who Create Clothes or Fashion (or write fashion blogs, etc)
While it’s fine to go out and choose which clothes to buy, it’s not okay that people have made that clothing and had an opinion of how it should look! Fashion designers are fascists (clothes nazis). They want you to conform to their narrow view of how their garment should be worn. And so, they have women of certain body types (FYI, they’re not fat girls) traipse up and down a catwalk (CATwalk? Are women animals now?!) displaying their close-minded uniforms of conformity. People who do this are evil and people who subscribe to their ideology are too. There are too many options for dress in stores, actually, it’s sickening. It leaves way too much room for opinions of what is being worn and HOW it’s being worn (both opinions are wrong, always!). In the future, there will be one, shapeless sack that everyone will wear (or not wear, which will be 100% fine too) so that there can be no judgements, opinions or tastes that might marginalize someone elses judgement, opinion or taste.
3. Physically Attack People Who Notice Bodies and Share Them
If you’re going to post a picture on social media that shows the type of body you have, want or want someone you want to have, you’re going to be shamed and attacked for good reason! Spreading ideas like “Real Women Have Curves” or “Real Men Have Pecks”, even just by posting images illustrating your “tastes” (remember, taste in the human form or anything else is wrong), you are EXCLUDING all the other types and that is wrong! Do you want a kick to the shoulder? Any positive message is a negative message to whomever the positive message is NOT about! Don’t be proud of your body, unless it’s exactly like everyone elses body (which it never will be, because, for some ungodly reason we’re all different). Also, if a thing is like another thing, don’t create a convenient short-hand to describe it. For example: If a girl has a figure which is similar to that of a small boy, don’t say “boyish figure”, just in case that girl doesn’t want to be thought of in that way. Unless she has expressly told you that she dresses in such a way to hide any curves or bumps that are often associated with women (that’s an evil stereotype) in which case you can secretly take her aside and compliment her on how “boyish” she looks.
4. Chastise Fat People Who Cringe When You Say They’re Fat
Good practise is to approach anyone with layers of fatty tissue on their bodies and audibly observe (but quietly as not to offend skinny people who wish they were fat), not with words like “big boned” or “fluffy”, that they have fat parts. If they cringe and shrink away at your aggressive advances, they are wrongly insecure and should be shamed! Yell at them! Tell them that there IS fat on their bodies and that may or may not be a healthy or unhealthy thing, but either way, they should be 100% fine and confident in how they look at any given time and just “get over” all these EVIL cultural stereotypes which have imprisoned them with fashion designers as wardens. And if a woman acts insecure because you observe that you can see her ribcage through her chest, kick those stick legs out from under her and tell her she should be proud that she’s emaciated and NOT shy away from it!
5. Ironically Compare People Who Compare Other People to Things
Look, if someone is going to observe another person’s (or even their own) body for the rest of the world to observe (via facebook or twitter, etc) and compare it to, let’s say, food (muffin top, pear shaped), then you should tell them they’re as dumb as a fence post (or something equally as witty)! Yes, one might find the shape of a girl’s butt ideal if it matches that of an apple (they only think that because those demonic fashion designers make jeans to accentuate it), but if you think that, you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed (but you are a tool). The shape of people’s bodies are not comparable to food (they are, but they shouldn’t be)!
6. Slap Anyone Who is Anything Other than Indifferent to Anybody’s Body
It doesn’t matter if someone comes in shouting exultations because they lost 10 pounds with Jenny Craig, you do not praise or condemn anything about anybody’s body EVER! If you see someone congratulating someone who has bulked up, lost weight, done a lot of squats so they have an apple bottom (sorry) or built those shoulders till they’re beefy (“beef” is also a food, sorry), slap them! Slap them and say, “They’ve always been beautiful and it has nothing to do with their body, because their body doesn’t matter and might as well not exist”. If a person doesn’t mention their weight loss, you may be tempted to congratulate them for being indifferent and not valuing their body one way or the other, but even that is a bit too observant. Don’t ever notice anything about a body, think of something else to compliment (but not their clothes).
7. Use Pretend Compliments on Idiots
If someone says, “You’re really brave to wear that” to someone who is fat (remember, fat is neither good nor bad) you should respond with, “You’re really brave to say something so utterly stupid”. They’re not brave, they’re stupid! Any time someone mentions anything bodily related, just give them some sort of backhanded compliment like that. The sad part is, they probably won’t notice, because they’re probably mentally disabled or gay (a lot of gays are fashion designers, for instance).
8. Insult ANYONE Who Observes What Bodies Can Do!
Women are able to make babies inside their bodies (I feel tense writing this), you should NEVER mention this! Certain things might be viewed as good for making babies (big hips, for instance), this is sexist and gross. That goes for tall people who could do well in basketball or people who have long “piano fingers”. Just because you think someone can do something with their bodies, doesn’t mean they want to or really can. Also, if a fat kid with little sausage fingers (“sausage” to describe fingers is offensive) overhears you complimenting Mr. Longdigits, he might give up before ever becoming Elton John. If anyone makes any observations of this kind, jump right down their throats and tell them they have a good brain for smashing against a wall. Idiots!
9. People Who Talk About Fitness Should Be Crucified
There are too many people out there who work out, have learned techniques, think they’re pros and want to share it. Leave that to the professionals (who should be professional enough to avoid talking about it). The last thing anyone wants to hear about are ways to “improve” their bodies. The main reason is, there’s nothing to improve! A body is never better or worse, it just is and even if it wasn’t, even if there were healthier and less healthy bodies, there would be no way in HELL to observe that with the naked eye. That could be a healthy gut on that guy, “gaunt” MIGHT be someone’s optimal weight, you don’t know, you ignorant prick!
10. People Who Think They Know Anything About Diet Should Be Shot
There may be study after study about different types of fat and where it would sit on the human body and which of those fats are “fine” and which will “kill you”, but who the hell are you to ingest that information and then regurgitate it all over other people? We didn’t tell you to ingest the information, don’t tell us not to ingest cheeseburgers. Keep that vomitous information to yourself. Keep those puke ideas in your cheeks! There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to diet that can be freely and openly shared with anyone! Just because you think kale is healthy or quinoa is a superfood, that might not be the case for me, so shut-up, moron! You want me to be healthy, happy and strong? Those things are all relative concepts that don’t exist in reality. They’re cultural constructs and ideologies that only you blind sheep follow, lead by the fashion designers and skinny pop stars.