These are some of the more interesting status updates that I’ve written for my various social media incarnations. Enjoy!
Joel van Vliet connects the dots that grace the ladybug’s delicate red wings. It just makes two tiny triangles. He then pops the insect’s head off with the pen.
Joel van Vliet brought sexy, funny and crazy back. He’s going to bring apathetic back and see if anyone notices. If they don’t he won’t care either way.
Joel van Vliet wishes he was wishing on a star, but then it would make no difference that he’s a celebrity. Rethinking original wish.
Joel van Vliet didn’t get a fortune in his fortune cookie and finds it very unfortunate.
Joel van Vliet took a look in the Confidence Mirror, but didn’t see his reflection. As he turned to go, he saw himself in the Failure Mirror and realized why.
Joel van Vliet looked around, but he saw nothing. “Am I blind?” he asked. “No,” they said. “You’re just too stupid to notice anything.”
Joel van Vliet will make you laugh till you cry. If you don’t cry, he’ll push you around a little bit. If you still don’t cry, he’ll beat you till you do. He WILL make you cry.
Joel van Vliet kills people for a living. Send me a picture link and $83,000.37 and I’ll “off” whoever you want. (Extra for making it look like an accident).
Joel van Vliet said, when approached by the Melba Toast people about an advertising contract, “Sorry, I love your product, it’s the best in unleavened bread, but I am not a sell out and won’t shamelessly advertise it.”
Joel van Vliet is gone like snow and you miss the cold. His stay was short like summer and you miss the heat. You wish he’d return with all the fury of spring.
Joel van Vliet passes time and always waves politely, uses his signal, waits for the dotted line and mouths “Thank you” in an exaggerated way. Time slows and lets him pass.
Joel van Vliet found himself strolling through the storm last night. He yelled at himself to get inside because he wasn’t dressed for the weather. He flipped himself the bird.
Joel van Vliet will blow your mind with his incredible ability to be so mediocre and never blow anyone’s mind. Does that not blow your mind? Didn’t think so… bet that did!
Joel van Vliet would like his funeral to be about love, passion for life, zest, thirst for experience and a hunger for knowledge. It should have nothing to do with him.
Joel van Vliet takes a lesson from all the great men of history that no one has ever heard of and gives up before even trying.
Joel van Vliet collects things that don’t exist. The sad thing is, he has a small collection when compared to many others. That’s not to say his collection isn’t impressive!
Joel van Vliet delivered some dry humour through the rain. It got soaking wet and is now all soggy. The jokes are no good anymore. It’s all in the delivery.
Joel van Vliet gets so hungry sometimes, but still isn’t interested in the humble pie in the fridge. Even if he feels like desert, he still just snacks on his arrogant carrots
Joel van Vliet and The Laws of Life: “Actions don’t speak louder than words. I’ve said things that I’m still in trouble for, but I didn’t DO anything!”
Joel van Vliet and The Laws of Life: “Things aren’t always not what they seem, sometimes they’re exactly as they seem. Especially when the seem to be different than they seem”
Joel van Vliet has time to kill. So, if anyone needs any killing done, give him a call, he’s got time for it.
Joel van Vliet can’t, won’t and willn’t.
Joel van Vliet gets a large amount of over-reactions to his status updates. I mean, he can’t get over the large amount of reactions to his status updates.
Joel van Vliet and The Laws of Life: “The best things in life ARE free, but it’s going to cost you to take the time to appreciate them.”
Joel van Vliet will never be as young as he used to be.
Joel van Vliet feels nostalgic. He’s going to get a Kleenex to blow all that algia out of his nostrils.
Joel van Vliet spends time like it grows on trees.
Joel van Vliet opens his heart to a new meaning of the word ‘forgiveness’. He uses it like this, “Forgiveness sakes! That is a wonderful gift, thank you!”
Joel van Vliet says with wry grin, “I believe you may have over-estimated me, sir.”
Joel van Vliet has a large thumb. So large that, in regards to thumb wars, potential opponents find his thumbs opposable.
Joel van Vliet uses telepathy to impart this status to you. You only THINK you’re reading it, but in reality you’re THINKING it.
Joel van Vliet sinks into the comfy couch of solitude. Something sticks into his back. It’s the sharp spike of productivity and responsibility prodding him to get up.
Joel van Vliet and the Laws of Life: “A good idea is an idea acted on. Unless of course it’s just a terrible idea. In that case, it’s a good idea if not acted on.”
Joel van Vliet had good intentions to mow the lawn today, but can’t due to the inclement weather. Is the road to hell really paved by unfortunate circumstances?
Joel van Vliet is unmistakably believable or unbelievably mistakable.
Joel van Vliet has “out” for sale.
Joel van Vliet loves them, but isn’t sure they know it. He’ll just have to shove it down their throats to be sure… kill them with kindness… knock some sense into them.
Joel van Vliet is trapped in a trap which is inside another trap which is also trapped inside a trap, but don’t try to save him because it might be a trap!
Joel van Vliet holds on to dear life for dear life.
Joel van Vliet congregates around himself and then addresses the congregation.
Joel van Vliet finds everything he does that used to be lovable now seems to be hatable.
Joel van Vliet gets lots of benefits at work, but he’s not sure he’s got the benefit of the doubt.
Joel van Vliet is very self conscious, but not in an insecure way.
Joel van Vliet never signals when driving. He doesn’t think everyone should know is business.
Joel van Vliet finds walking on cake very difficult.
Joel van Vliet brings the richness of humour to the table. Feast, my laughing dinner guests, feast!
Joel van Vliet might never hit a jackpot, but he thinks he’ll hit a jackass sooner or later.
Joel van Vliet won’t beat himself up over it, but might beat someone else up over it.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but somehow he suffers himself so maybe that’s not true.
Joel van Vliet dines, dressed to the nines, on sixes and sevens.
Joel van Vliet says “I’m speechless,” but obviously is not having just said that.
Joel van Vliet used up the whole collection of falling stars, that he was saving in his pocket, this summer.
Joel van Vliet knows why you’ve never heard of the little boy who didn’t cry wolf. It’s more interesting to lie.
Joel van Vliet is wearing his clothes out wearing his clothes out.
Joel van Vliet thinks with his hands and bends spoons with his mind. So far, his thoughts have been pointless and he’s damaged alot of spoons.
Joel van Vliet is worth the wait… in gold.
Joel van Vliet and his mind have parted ways. He didn’t spend enough time with it.
Joel van Vliet crashed a party that he was having with himself by showing up.
Joel van Vliet has said it before and will say it again, “fake breasts are unreal”.
Joel van Vliet thinks this weekend is going to be a weak end to the week’s end.
Joel van Vliet enjoys tickling his own fancy instead of rubbing himself the wrong way.
Joel van Vliet slept vividly last night. He can remember ever single toss and every single turn.
Joel van Vliet walks North and then turns East. He heads South and finally ventures West. What a square!
Joel van Vliet hasn’t lived up to his potential and will never live it down.
Joel van Vliet punches a hole in the wall of reality, realizes it wasn’t even there to begin with and hires a contractor to fix it.
Joel van Vliet has a creative personality. Or, in the language he made up, a Kilinkle personality.
Joel van Vliet feels that vanity is justified for some, but others wouldn’t be so vain if they were more self aware.
Joel van Vliet denies being full of himself. “I’m never full,” he says, “I simply can not get enough!”
Joel van Vliet has that boiling of inspiration inside him and isn’t quite sure where it’s going to spill out to.
Joel van Vliet wants to make a remark, but isn’t remarkable.
Joel van Vliet wins bets against himself all the time, but they don’t pay as well as you might think.
Joel van Vliet has himself cornered. Which one of him will make a move first? And what will he do?
Joel van Vliet has only himself to blame, but why point fingers? And if he points at himself he’ll have three fingers pointing back at himself.
Joel van Vliet says, “The secret to creativity is solitude and silence. You must be able to listen for it.”
Joel van Vliet blends in with all the other celebrities.
Joel van Vliet won’t do anything he’s good at for free unless he enjoys it. Turns out he enjoys most of the things he’s good at and a number of things he’s not very good at.
Joel van Vliet can tell when someone is being funny. He can sort of feel it in a strange way. You could say he has a sense of humour.
Joel van Vliet spends an evening in instead of, of course, an odding out.
Joel van Vliet loves himself even though sometimes he can be a real handful.
Joel van Vliet says, “This is the last night of the end of your life before the beginning of the first day of the rest of your life.”
Joel van Vliet should be able to make it out alive, but he could also die trying. Actually, instead of risking it either way, he’s just going to stay in.
Joel van Vliet spends this night in 100% alone by himself which is the best kind of alone because if you’re alone with someone else you’re 0% alone.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t mind at all. He hearts and souls, but he doesn’t mind.
Joel van Vliet is comfortable in his own skin, he’s just uncomfortable around the outside of yours.
Joel van Vliet hasn’t lived, but he hasn’t died either, so it’s not all bad.
Joel van Vliet claps himself off.
Joel van Vliet isn’t who he, at one time, had before thought he once was in the past. He is someone not the same as that person that he wasn’t before, but thought he had been.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t buy it, but he will when he can afford to.
Joel van Vliet bleeds just to feel and writes cliches just to see himself write something.
Joel van Vliet isn’t transcending time or space, but he’s doing alright with mood.
Joel van Vliet might not be better than you, but he’s better than that guy.
Joel van Vliet is a veritable smorgasbord.
Joel van Vliet bleeds candy from his eyes. Fountains of beautiful bonbons and terrible taffies careen from his skull through his sockets. He’s just that disgustingly delicious.
Joel van Vliet is putting classified information in the classified section of the paper.
Joel van Vliet will muddle through his foibles and sift through his idiosyncrasies. He’s in there somewhere.
Joel van Vliet smokes a pack a day. Not a pack of cigarettes though… a pack of love.
Joel van Vliet delivers, and has a really great return policy.
Joel van Vliet knows bliss by a different name. It is Gwenaviere Mortleplat and that’s universal.
Joel van Vliet wears a mask… it is his mask-ulinity.
Joel van Vliet is a master of all trades, jack of none.
Joel van Vliet is thus unto thee what thou wouldst have him to be.
Joel van Vliet isn’t killing with kindness… he’s dying with it.
Joel van Vliet knows that “Wind in the Willows” is just a story about gassy animals.
Joel van Vliet is a classless chap.
Joel van Vliet is a chapless ass.
Joel van Vliet plans on following through. At least with his plan on following through.
Joel van Vliet wishes he had a quiet wit, but all he has is a loud lack thereof.
Joel van Vliet is a dead pan dead man with a plan.
Joel van Vliet is no different than everyone else.
Joel van Vliet has been described as a blastanovinglochflanovicktinshoe. Then he punched the guy out that described him as such.
Joel van Vliet bends minds with spoons.
Joel van Vliet blindly goes where no man has never gone before… and stumbles around a bit, awkwardly.
Joel van Vliet isn’t really afraid of being alone, he’s just afraid of having the option of being lonely.
Joel van Vliet genuinely hates genuine people.
Joel van Vliet has cracked his head on the mysteries of life and tears have poured out ruining his shoes.
Joel van Vliet finally realized we’re all in a Styrofoam container and the stars are just pin holes punched in the lid.
Joel van Vliet lets the chips fall where they may and then stomps them into a million pieces.
Joel van Vliet has learned a lot from his ignorance.
Joel van Vliet was around a camp fire last night and actually saw a whole universe explode into existence! The conditions must have been perfect. It loomed there, suspended in air. Eventually, miniature people evolved on one of the planets. Then the fire ball that was circling the planet burned out and everyone died. It happened quickly, but it was so small.
Joel van Vliet blends fiction with make-believe and lives with a smile on his pretty face.
Joel van Vliet harbours feelings of resentment toward himself and resents himself for it.
Joel van Vliet is a distorted image of the man you thought he was, but a clear image of the man he’s always been.
Joel van Vliet sighed and saw it. He actually saw the sigh.
Joel van Vliet can look good and feel good, but whether he is good is a different thing all together.
Joel van Vliet hopes you’ll never become someone you shouldn’t be.
Joel van Vliet will spend the day trying to figure out the square root of himself. He has a feeling it’s going to end up being something rude.
Joel van Vliet removes the wool and stands naked before the fold. “I am not like you,” he cries. “My wool will not grow back. I am naked underneath it. I am naked.” The sheep bleat sorrowfully for his humanity.
Joel van Vliet can’t shoot you if he can’t see you, but he can still shoot AT you.
Joel van Vliet is plotting pants, or potting plants, or panting plots, or planting pots, or plonting pats, or patting plonts. Either way, he’s going to be wasting his day.
Joel van Vliet wants you to know that if you’re drawn to him, you’re drawing a blank.
Joel van Vliet tapers off and tapers on… The Taper!
Joel van Vliet would have you on his mind if he wasn’t mindless. You’d be in his heart if he wasn’t heartless. You can be with his body, but that’s not much to shout about either.
Joel van Vliet found a mustard seed and figured he’d move a few mountains around. By the time they realized it and wanted him to move them back, he had lost the mustard seed. If you see it, call him because one of the mountains is blocking traffic.
Joel van Vliet keeps it in the back of his face.
Joel van Vliet might be up, but he is not Adam.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 1. It is not a finger.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 2. Should be fatter than the other four hand friends.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 3. Must be opposable.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 4. Not imperative for hiking or connecting a hitch, but when combining the two, it is.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 5. Rhymes with bum.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 6. Important to Little Jack Horner who, historically, needed it to pull a plum out of his Christmas pie in order to feel like a good boy.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 7. An optional part of a fist.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 8. Curiously, an important element of “FINGER” picking on a guitar.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 9. They don’t suck, but you can suck them.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 10. They are the soldiers of the hand. When the hand goes into battle, it is they that fight the war.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 11. Confused with the word “some” when talking to someone with a lisp.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 12. Very important for positive and negative re-enforcement.
Joel van Vliet and his “Rules of Thumb”: 13. A necessary part of giving a high or low five.
Joel van Vliet sat down and blended fact with fiction to create “satisfaction”.
Joel van Vliet will shoot something with you, but it won’t be the shit because last time he did that it hit the fan and got all over the place.
Joel van Vliet bottled much of the love that was floating all over the place yesterday. If anyone needs some in the future, the bottles are in his pantry with the pickles.
Joel van Vliet flicks a switch in order to switch a flick.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t watch reality TV because it’s a bunch of normal people that are bad at acting trying to act normal, badly.
Joel van Vliet reminds everyone that blanket statements can’t keep you warm at night, but rather leave you cold and confused.
Joel van Vliet was told being humid was just being human with a plugged nose.
Joel van Vliet can’t live his life on his own terms because life isn’t.
Joel van Vliet drew the short straw and now his glasses are always half full.
Joel van Vliet will fail miserably or die trying.
Joel van Vliet read that fads are becoming more popular.
Joel van Vliet finds joy in the big, unpredictable, expensive and incredible things in life.
Joel van Vliet heard, “Time that doesn’t pass you by is from another time.”
Joel van Vliet melts down like Ice-Cream, or Popsicles, or some other delicious dessert.
Joel van Vliet will never experience true love until he is completely drained of himself to make room for it.
Joel van Vliet was insecure about who I was when he was younger, but was very sure of what he knew. Now, he is confident about who he is, but increasingly insecure about what he thought he knew.
Joel van Vliet loves awkward moments, but not awkward people. He loves the word awkward too on account of how awkward it is.
Joel van Vliet just realized what an epiphany is. What an epiphany!!
Joel van Vliet told a girl to call him when she’s all grown up, but then he realized she probably thinks she is all grown up. So, he told her to call him when she realizes how young she is.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t “need” the lime-light. He just thinks looks good in green.
Joel van Vliet really is only passionate about one beverage: carbonated water. He wishes they made Pop Rocks in the plain variety.
Joel van Vliet would like you to know that most men enjoy jumping through the hoops more than winning the prize.
Joel van Vliet lost his inspiration today. He’ll probably pick a little more up after work tomorrow. He’ll be in the city anyway.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t blend in, he blends out. That’s what makes him an original.
Joel van Vliet says, “It’s messy enough for me to be embarrassed, but not embarrassing enough for me to clean it up.”
Joel van Vliet punctuates his life with prose.
Joel van Vliet reacts to his past in his present to make way for the reactions of his future.
Joel van Vliet can’t be a stand in because he stands out.
Joel van Vliet won’t stand down because he’s a stand up kinda guy.
Joel van Vliet is Joel “The Joel van Vliet” van Vliet.
Joel van Vliet enjoys a good old prattle on about nothing.
Joel van Vliet lives a literal life with a metaphorical mind.
Joel van Vliet knows his decisions are wrought with the disease of youthful naiveté, but in time they will be foiled by the prejudice of experience.
Joel van Vliet will hit the sack and hope it’s an out of the park home run.
Joel van Vliet tackles impossible tasks with the most tact possible.
Joel van Vliet and you don’t see eye to eye, but it’s just a height issue.
Joel van Vliet just wishes Bob Saget had considered being funny when deciding to re-invent himself.
Joel van Vliet wonders if empathy is at the root of political correctness when we should focus on compassion which is a byproduct of love. Remember, empathy is about using our identity to understand others, compassion is completely selfless.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t wash his hands after he goes pee, he washes them before. His penis is clean, it’s the rest of the world that’s filthy.
Joel van Vliet says he can’t be bothered to do certain things, but the truth is, if he does those things it does bother him.
Joel van Vliet remembers that when you give someone the middle finger there are three fingers just pointing down at the ground. Turns out the consequences of pointing are worse.
Joel van Vliet can’t be told what to do, but he’s a sucker for insinuation.
Joel van Vliet finally got a fortune that rang true. It said, “you will always live in interesting times”.
Joel van Vliet is at a loss for klurds.
Joel van Vliet won’t lead. He’s afraid those following will stab him in the back.
Joel van Vliet had a dream that the Asians were breeding miniature horses with bird heads and feathers. They were soft and friendly, about the size of a small cat. He couldn’t find anyone that would sell theirs. They were also magnificently coloured, deep tones of burgundy, rich browns. They had tiny muscular horse bodies. Amazing creatures.
Joel van Vliet may be good looking, but does he have an attractive countenance?
Joel van Vliet is the verbose-est with the most-est.
Joel van Vliet can only remember details. All the generalities fall through the cracks.
Joel van Vliet has generic genetics that make him special.
Joel van Vliet isn’t stranger than fiction. That’s why he relies on fiction so much.
Joel van Vliet will win your heart, but if he can’t, he’ll lose it like no other!
Joel van Vliet has an uncanny ability to be very canny sometimes.
Joel van Vliet wishes he had a history of being grossly appropriate.
Joel van Vliet is pale and beautiful like Tilda Swinton.
Joel van Vliet invites you to reli in his intention of detale.
Joel van Vliet can’t pinch you, you’re dreaming.
Joel van Vliet was in the shower and was impressed by how he’s waterproof. Then he remembered about drowning.
Joel van Vliet is worried his logic cortex has been bamboozled by some insaneglymites!
Joel van Vliet said he doesn’t have anything nice to say… Oh, no! He shouldn’t have said anything at all!
Joel van Vliet wanted his status to be a particular melody of a particular song, but couldn’t put it into words.
Joel van Vliet is both preposterous and postposterous. He’s omniposterous, I guess.
Joel van Vliet accurately depicts himself in a play called “Life”.
Joel van Vliet always says this about everything, “it is what it is”, and then asks, “could it be anything else?”.
Joel van Vliet considered suicide, but then thought, “what a waste of time!”
Joel van Vliet makes a difference out of playdough. It’s a colourful difference too!
Joel van Vliet is an excellent source of vitamin ♥.
Joel van Vliet read some swears and then washed his eyes out with soap.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t make music, music makes him.
Joel van Vliet can’t contain his excitement for Apple’s new product for one of mankind’s greatest needs: the iHeart. Made with iLove technology!
Joel van Vliet came down off his selfish pedestal and found happiness lying around on the ground. He hadn’t realized happiness was all over the place, he just had to lower himself to get it.
Joel van Vliet turned on the iron, waited until it got hot and then went on strike.
Joel van Vliet planned ahead and now his plans are afoot.
Joel van Vliet won’t beat himself up over it, but mainly because he’s too frail to spend the energy.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t want to scare you, but he’s been diagnosed with alphabeties. He’s alphabetic. Everything around him must be alphabetized or there’s a risk of him going into an alphabetic coma.
Joel van Vliet has a habit of being inconsistent.
Joel van Vliet isn’t anything he wanted to be and less.
Joel van Vliet writes what he knows, but doesn’t know what to write. This worries him.
Joel van Vliet wonders why Taylor Swift and the like insist on adding to all the suffering in the world.
Joel van Vliet is supportive of inter-racial couples because of how well pink and brown go together.
Joel van Vliet looked up “amazing” in the dictionary and was really surprised his picture wasn’t there. It was a real shock because he had truly believed it would be there. Then he looked up “delusional” and was even more confused because his picture wasn’t there either. How could he not be delusional if he’s not amazing?
Joel van Vliet thinks it’s hilarious how people are constantly trying to figure out how this world works when obviously it doesn’t. Maybe it’s time to look into how it’s broken.
Joel van Vliet reaches out for someone to hold on to, but scares everyone away because it makes him look like a zombie.
Joel van Vliet follows in the noble footsteps of all the other great lemmings that have gone before him.
Joel van Vliet says, “if you don’t have anything funny to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Joel van Vliet will buckle down and buckle up, but won’t buckle under the pressure.
Joel van Vliet is struck with fantastic bouts of fiction amidst his great big life of fact.
Joel van Vliet is a 5 star hotel in the middle of a 2 star town.
Joel van Vliet will eat you alive, unless you die while he’s cooking you first.
Joel van Vliet wonders why he should be high brow when life is so low brow?
Joel van Vliet sometimes needs to be taken for granted before he truly realizes just how wonderful he actually is.
Joel van Vliet finds his vanity to be a real source of vanity.
Joel van Vliet couldn’t be happier to be going through his mid-life crisis early. Unless it’s not early, but that idea scares him.
Joel van Vliet noticed some strange marks on his skin. He went to the doctor and learned that it was water damage, the water was damaging his skin! No more showers for him, he’s dry clean only.
Joel van Vliet knows the foolish girls build their confidence upon the man.
Joel van Vliet wonders why the Canadian anthem says “True North”. Is there somewhere else posing as North, but is actually a fake North?
Joel van Vliet has gone around the table, looked at all the faces, counted all the cutlery: He’s missing someone.
Joel van Vliet was tied to the hood of a taxi all day, being driven around in the rain. After he got used to the chill and just closed his eyes, he had one of the best sleeps he’s ever had.
Joel van Vliet is so happy his life isn’t a reality show. It would be so much more boring.
Joel van Vliet isn’t one to not want to face his demons, he just doesn’t think he really has any.
Joel van Vliet is absolutely EVERYTHING he’s cracked up to be. Turns out he’s just not cracked up to be that much.
Joel van Vliet just wants to make music, but keeps breaking it instead. Does the same with love.
Joel van Vliet | “Pictures are beautiful little frauds.”
Joel van Vliet feels dusty and out of place like an antique in a room full of ikea furniture.
Joel van Vliet can’t hear his ears.
Joel van Vliet is that strange guy he sees when he looks in the mirror.
Joel van Vliet cleverly disguises himself as a slightly different version of himself.
Joel van Vliet was trying hard to come up with something hilarious and Easter related as a status update, but it turns out there’s an Easter Bunny, not an Easter Funny.
Joel van Vliet would much rather be attracted than distracted.
Joel van Vliet changed his status to something different than from how what it was like before he had changed it.
Joel van Vliet might kill them with kindness, but regardless of the weapon, it’s still illegal.
Joel van Vliet took schklurd to a whole other level!
Joel van Vliet thinks the five senses are enough. A new sense would just be a nuisance.
Joel van Vliet is an old beat up Ford Pinto, filled with Twinkies and Harlequin Romances, careening off a cliff. He’s the things that are wrong with this world dying.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t cry over spilled milk, he realizes it’s just a little milk and he’s usually too lost in self pity and regret to notice.
Joel van Vliet has a brilliant and wonderful life (if he just ignores the glaring void).
Joel van Vliet takes a nap and prays for a life in which sleep will always come easy and waking will always excite.
Joel van Vliet worries that it might be too easy to forget what to be afraid of and what to embrace.
Joel van Vliet finds thinking up these status updates to be very helpful for his narcissism.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t fear ideas, he fears what people do with them. Ideas aren’t dangerous, people are.
Joel van Vliet has a short history of being long.
Joel van Vliet isn’t crying because it’s over, he’s crying because it didn’t happen.
Joel van Vliet thinks you should walk a chamomile in his shoes. You might tea things a little differently.
Joel van Vliet knows too many people who are more fascinated by the camera than the picture it takes.
Joel van Vliet understands that old ideals, like antiques, are still very valuable if well taken care of and still authentic.
Joel van Vliet knew then what he knows now and he still did what he did then.
Joel van Vliet shouldn’t swallow his pride, he should spit it out.
Joel van Vliet isn’t wearing anything green today, but he’s acting naïve, environmentally conscious and envious.
Joel van Vliet is a romantic who understands that romance goes beyond human relationships and deep into the heart of everything. The sky is romantic. Caves are romantic. Ideas like freedom are romantic. Faith is romantic.
Joel van Vliet has been using his legs as crutches for years.
Joel van Vliet learned all he needed to from Bugs Bunny: wit, cunning, determination and incredible catch phrases.
Joel van Vliet can mind both his business and yours at the same time.
Joel van Vliet and his Brother’s Sister’s Uncle’s Son’s Cousin’s Nephew’s Grandfather’s Wife’s 3rd Son. ❒ what? ✔ what!?!
Joel van Vliet and the Mind Your Own Businesses. ❒ mindful ✔ mindless
Joel van Vliet and the Creative Fits. ✔ yaaaaaah!! ❒ naaaaaah!!
Joel van Vliet and the Old Tricks Feat. New Dogs. ✔ Yap ❒ Growl
Joel van Vliet and the Fits of Passion. ❒ indubitably ❒ not bloody likely ✔ perhap
Joel van Vliet and the Fancy Dress Balls. ❒ yes ✔ no
Joel van Vliet and the Beyond Helpers.
Joel van Vliet and the Evasive Apple Bottom Girls.
Joel van Vliet and the Sour Notes.
Joel van Vliet got worried when he learned that everything he learned was from television. Then he realized he didn’t learn that from television and stopped worrying.
Joel van Vliet is sorry if he doesn’t subscribe to your “algorithm” of originality!
Joel van Vliet is the voice of his re-generation.
Joel van Vliet has good news! No news.
Joel van Vliet has come to his senses and he’s so bored with them.
Joel van Vliet is a basic human need.
Joel van Vliet curls his way through hairy situations.
Joel van Vliet officially is an artist. You can call him “artificial”!
Joel van Vliet supports originality in any walk of life. Actually, walking isn’t very original, so he doesn’t support that. Life is also something we all have in common… never mind.
Joel van Vliet | “There was once a young man from Neeb who couldn’t hear, think or see. His feelings weren’t mixed that it didn’t exist because, frankly, neither did he.” – Joel van Vliet
Joel van Vliet enjoyed a good ole sail this evening, but couldn’t imagine doing it with a garage.
Joel van Vliet is a multi-interestalist.
Joel van Vliet does everything for posterity’s sake. Posterity probably won’t appreciate any of it though.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t do anything like it’s “going out of style”. He prefers to do things like they’re “just about to become fashionable”. Actually, either way, that’s not true at all.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t know the difference between him and his interests.
Joel van Vliet | “Life is short… sighted.”
Joel van Vliet | “Life is tall and wide. It’s actually quite large! It is short too, but only in temperament.”
Joel van Vliet appreciates facebook showing him which of his friends “like” Dane Cook. This way he knows who to delete and block!
Joel van Vliet might not have the answers to most of life’s questions, but he’ll probably still have a response.
Joel van Vliet looks to the comedians for poetry.
Joel van Vliet wonders how long he can be on one team without being vs the other team.
Joel van Vliet measures his hardships the way the wealthy measure their wealth. He’s very poor in hardships and when he thinks he has some hardships in the bank, he can easily see those around him who are much richer in hardships than he.
Joel van Vliet reminds everyone that the love of money is the root of all evil. Love is at the root of all evil.
Joel van Vliet just wants everything he does to be everyone’s favourite thing in the whole wide world. Is that so much to ask?
Joel van Vliet is a great man trapped in a real loser’s body, using a failure’s mind.
Joel van Vliet thinks that things that go horribly wrong for one person might be the same things that are going horribly right for another.
Joel van Vliet gives you more than you could never have wanted!
Joel van Vliet figures the answer isn’t blowing in the wind, but caution is because it was thrown to it.
Joel van Vliet is the colour of the sky, depending on the weather, of course, and how he’s feeling.
Joel van Vliet has written things in order to pass. You could call it a write of passage.
Joel van Vliet bigs himself up in small ways.
Joel van Vliet finds stupidity comical… when written in a television show, not in his personal life.
Joel van Vliet wonders how a mattress company can promise sleeping on their mattress will be like sleeping on a cloud.
Joel van Vliet wonders if every day is not just kid’s day, but also people who haven’t had any children and it doesn’t look like it’s happening any time soon’s day.
Joel van Vliet is little more than a string of fantastically witty status updates, but that’s more than a lot of other people, so he’s not complaining.
Joel van Vliet is such a mediocre comedian, it’s not even funny.
Joel van Vliet is routinely bored with his routine.
Joel van Vliet is under the impression that he should be impressed.
Joel van Vliet has the kind of humility you’d expect from someone as amazing as he is.
Joel van Vliet is just an amalgamation of things he’s seen, read and heard.
Joel van Vliet doesn’t want to fall in love, he wants to be crushed by it.
Joel van Vliet finds “rounding a corner” to be an interesting idea.
Joel van Vliet has been blessed with ESPiP (Extra Sensory Perception in People).
Joel van Vliet thinks sentimentality is nice, but realizes it is a type of mental.
Joel van Vliet can be free from courage, but not free from the need not be courageous.
Joel van Vliet calls a spade a spade. Or at least what he thinks of as a spade. You’d call it rejection.
Joel van Vliet is under the knife tomorrow. Oh, didn’t he tell you? He’s having his hip removed and replaced with an older hip so that when he needs a hip replacement, he’ll have my nice young one on hold.
Joel van Vliet: This “snow day” is just a plot by the conservative media to keep us inside watching their weather networks which are full of lies and propaganda! I don’t believe it’s even snowing. It’s all just fundamentalist fear mongering!
Joel van Vliet is blixfoamed and bobby-combed. Count him amongst the gorgrenflud. What a meadle-kruntz is he!
Joel van Vliet is so worried he’s going to go the way of the Suffleupagus: fictional.
Joel van Vliet isn’t unbearable, he’s FUNbearable!
Joel van Vliet wishes to remain unanimous.
Joel van Vliet realizes that what sounds good to him and what is good for him are not always the same thing.
Joel van Vliet is studying G. Blandstone’s “Syllagram Theory”. Interesting, not arbitrary even though arbitrary is a Sylagram of interesting.
Joel van Vliet has a collection of pretty girls locked away in his sub-basement which he takes out every so often when he wants to look at something nice.
Joel van Vliet makes deals with himself because he doesn’t have the self control just to do what he knows he should without an incentive.
Joel van Vliet wagers that if he understood more about art, he’d understand more about people.
Joel van Vliet is just going to write songs and leave the really angry stuff for the poets.
Joel van Vliet has been told he has too much time on his hands too many times. He doesn’t have time to hear that all the time.
Joel van Vliet needs two extra hands whilst wrapping Christmas presents, and a whole new skill-set involving paper folding, cutting and taping.
Joel van Vliet has lost his focus. If you happen to find it, let him know as soon as you can, but he’ll probably be on to something else.
Joel van Vliet feels a LITTLE LOW because he’s never been the monkey in the middle, he’s always been too TALL. Do you know how SMALL that makes him feel? Why couldn’t someone have been the BIGGER person? Those games were always SHORT lived anyway.
Joel van Vliet isn’t good at being mysterious. It’s probably his verbosity that gets in the way.
Joel van Vliet is sometimes a bit lackluster, but not so much lustlacker.
Joel van Vliet had a dream with a girl named Anne. She referred to “with an ‘e’” as her pinkie name.
Joel van Vliet is interesting to spend time with because he picks up on things that aren’t there.
Joel van Vliet took a guided tour of his subconscious. It wasn’t good, he spent all his time looking at everything he’s always trying to forget.
Joel van Vliet is a light sleeper. He’s really a light everything. He’s just really thin.
Joel van Vliet has been doing his best Gern Rosenthal impersonation for the last 15 years and no one even noticed.
Joel van Vliet came to the sad realization that he’s never been a bridesmaid and still he’ll never be a bride.
Joel van Vliet has driven through fog as thick as milk.
Joel van Vliet thinks proletariat is a pretty good comedy word, but totalitarianism is just that much more funny!
Joel van Vliet stands to lose his seat.
Joel van Vliet will find love, even if it takes him the rest of his… oh, there it is.